I try to learn in this linear motion. (Rant alert)

So, I've been warring with my "Straight A's" identity in school lately. I've been going through some tough stuff at home, so my mind has been elsewhere for the past couple of months... and I've noticed my grades slipping. I don't feel like myself anymore, and the fact that I've allowed my sense of identity depend on a single letter sort of frightens me...

We've built our lives in a linear standard. Around the time we're in elementary school, we are presented with this profound idea of **COLLEGE**, where you sit in huge lecture halls and take notes like a big kid. Pretty much everyone wants to go to Harvard. Now, college is quite a long time from now, so you go back to your cursive practice and times tables. Once you get into middle school, you get a better idea of what college actually is, and realize further that it involves quite a bit of competition. So, you work hard to get those straight A's so you can get into that awesome high school program so you can get into Harvard. Then you get into that awesome high school program. And you're happy.

So, here I am, my sophomore year in that awesome high school program. And I'm going freaking insane.

Freshman year was a breeze. I got straight As. Sure, there were a few 2 A.M. study nights, but for the most part, I got out pretty easy. This year is totally different. I'm up until at least midnight every night, and the majority of the time I'm up until 1 or 2. I study my butt off, and find myself without a social life. Then I was stupid enough to think that I could handle being in a collab channel on top of that. Now, I'm not saying I don't LOVE that collab channel, because I do. And I have no intention of leaving it. But I feel like I've been letting them down way too much lately, and I'm not willing to risk my sanity in order to get a video up every week.

On top of that, I find out my mom has stage 3 breast cancer. And my life flips totally out of focus. And I'm expected to keep up my straight As because "colleges don't care". So, I'm brought to the devastating conclusion that everything I've worked for since I've fallen into this vortex of linear education is for nothing. And it's absolutely killing me. Now, I have to choose. Which is more important? Harvard? (I don't actually want to go to Harvard, I want to go to Yale, NYU, or Dartmouth.) Or my family? Or just being a kid? For once, I want to be able to forget it all. To not worry about whether my mom will be able to come to my next choir concert, or whether I'll complete enough SAT subject tests to apply to my dream colleges. For once, I want to roll in lush, green hills, eat gelato until I'm sick, and run through the summer rain until my skin is numb from the never-ending patter.

 I think I'll end my rant there for today.

Until I blog again,
Kathleen
DFTBA